Dear Sister,
Mourning and grief is something that we have all experienced in different ways, but sometimes it seems hard to know the best way to grieve with those around us. Grief can be defined as deep sorrow experienced by a significant loss.
Sometimes this loss can be due to a death and other times it can be a change of circumstances. Feelings of sadness in ourselves and others can feel awkward. When feeling uncomfortable, we try to push aside those feelings. We instead try to focus our efforts on cheering up our friend or loved one without dealing with the feelings of loss and pain first. It is hard to navigate how to support someone who is grieving.
Recently, I had a close friend text me and tell me that she was diagnosed with cancer. In the same week another close friend that I grew up with shared with me that her mother was losing her battle with cancer. I would just break down in tears intermittently at the thoughts of my friend battling with cancer or my friend’s mother losing her fight with cancer. In Romans 12 there is the classic verse, “Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep.” The question remains how do we weep and mourn when the season arises? How do we be present with our friends through times of grief and mourning? What do we feel we can possibly give them as a balm to ease the pain of personal affliction and loss? In Isaiah 53:3, Jesus was described as a man of sorrows, acquainted with deepest grief. When looking for examples of how to mourn we can look to Jesus for how he supported his friends in a time of loss.
The story in John 11 provides for us details of how Jesus dealt with mourning and grief when his friend Lazarus died. The text can be read here. Of note, when we look to his example, I would like to put it out there that we are not the Son of God. We do not usually tarry knowing that someone is already dead, or that we will have the power to raise them from the dead. However, we can glean from Jesus’ mind and actions what it is to love and mourn with our friends. Mary and Martha sent a messenger to Jesus to let him know that Lazarus was sick. It was mentioned on two different occasions how much Jesus loved Lazarus. It was a significant kind of love that is reserved for very close friends. Jesus knew it would be dangerous to return to Judea where Lazarus was buried. Jesus could be stoned. However, he was not worried about returning because he knew he was doing the will of his Father. Jesus had a plan of showing himself as the Resurrection and the Life.
We first observe that Jesus showed his friends comfort by his physical presence. We can see that he was present with those who were mourning. He came to Martha, and he asked to speak directly with Mary. If Jesus was anyone other than the Son of God, Lazarus’ sickness and death could be perceived as an “inconvenience” to his plans to further his message outside of Judea. However, Jesus knew God had a greater plan for him to be present at that time. Even when mourning seems hard or inconvenient, your presence alone can significantly benefit those who are mourning.
The second thing that is significant about this passage is that Jesus listened to the pain and remorse of Martha and Mary. “If only you were there my Lord things would have been different.” You can hear the pain and hurt within their voices over the loss of their beloved Lazarus. In times of mourning those who are struggling might put blame on themselves or others for what has occurred. Jesus could have rebuked them by saying, “It is not my fault that Lazarus died, why are you blaming me?” Not once did Jesus rebuke them during Martha’s or Mary’s interaction with him. Instead, he listened to them and held their grief in his heart. Jesus of course knew what he was going to do, but he listened to their pain of the loss of their brother.
The third way that Jesus grieved with his friends is through weeping with them. Jesus was moved to tears over the loss of Lazarus. In John 11:33, “When Jesus therefore saw her [Mary] weeping, and the Jews who came with her also weeping, He was deeply moved in spirit and was troubled.” There are two ideas about why Jesus was deeply moved, but I would like to believe it is a combination of both. He was deeply moved due to the direct death of his close friend Lazarus and Jesus felt anger toward the brokenness, separation and hopelessness that humanity feels when we die without redemption. Jesus wept over his friend Lazarus and for all of humanity due to the sin that is in our world that brings destruction and separation. Weeping and mourning with our friend is most important in the grieving process.
Lastly, Jesus visited Lazarus’ grave with Mary and Martha. Jesus could have decided to heal him when Jesus was not physically present. He did that plenty of times. He could have chosen to heal him before they put him in the grave. There is much significance to Jesus standing before the tomb of Lazarus. A grave is a physical reminder of not only the presence of a physical body, but a grave is also like a door closed on a small part of a person’s life. There is something sacred and personal about visiting the place where someone has been buried. Jesus physically standing before the grave in John 11 gives the juxtaposition of life and death facing one another. Jesus called Lazarus out of the grave. Sin and death were overcome through the living Christ as the true Resurrection and the Life. As Christians, we can visit the grave with our friend or loved one. When we have Christ, we can remember in hope that this is not all there is to life. When those who die and they have believed in Christ, death has lost its sting. No longer are we ever separated again from God. “Neither death, nor life, nor angels or demons...can separate us from the love of Christ.” Romans 8:38-39
In summary, we can glean important ways to support others who are grieving by understanding Jesus’ encounter with Mary and Martha. We learned to be present with them, visiting them though it is not convenient or easy, listening to their hurts, pains and regrets, not needing to use words to comfort or defend, physically mourn and weep with them in times of pain and loss, and visit the gravesite. Lastly, we can grieve with hope since Jesus has conquered death! May we weep with those who weep and mourn with those who mourn well in the season of grief and loss.
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