Grief is not something that you choose, sometimes it is like a big ocean wave that engulfs you even when you see it coming. Though I have anticipated this moment for much of my life, it still does not deaden the pain and ache that comes from the loss of his presence.
If I could picture Grandpa in my mind, he would be sitting in his favorite easy chair in the old living room on the farm. Wearing his blue plaid collared shirt and denim jeans and jacket, he would look out over the hills, with the corn fields swaying in the wind below. His shot gun would be by the slider just in case those rascally groundhogs wanted to come out to play. His newspaper, on a little table to his left, and his big green bible sitting on the coffee table with the daily bread on the top to the right. He would pat his lap and let out a laugh as I jumped up on his knee. When he would hold me tight, he had a distinct smell of dial soap, oak wood shavings and a hint of machine oil grease. Whether you imagine him busy working in the woodshop, riding in the blue pickup truck, on the tractor at the farm or grilling some famous grandpa chicken, he will still be there in your heart waiting for you to come visit him in those special memories.
As Christians, we do not grieve as the world grieves, for we have hope in a world with no more sorrow and no more pain that is to come. Though this abiding hope fixes our eyes on our future, the waves of pain and sorrow still come in the present. I was trying to put into words why the loss of my grandfather was specifically so painful. It is not that I felt I needed more time with him, or that he needed to stay around longer on this earth, for his 94 years were a blessing in abundance. However, it is the loss of his physical presence and his love that was so deep and abiding that makes the loss so great.
When we become a Christian, we are crucified with Christ and we no longer live, but it is Christ who lives in us. Christ dwelled richly in my grandfather in the way he loved to create like our creator, the way he loved creation, the way in which he loved and served others and in the way he sought out his Heavenly Father to do His work. By no means was my grandfather perfect, but in so many ways Christ’s love has shone through in my grandfather. He used all that was in him to be the hands and feet of Christ to his family, his church, his community, and the nations. My grandfather was loved by many due to the love that he showed others. He once told me that you cannot depend on others to be good friends to you, but you will have friends when you are a good friend to others.
We have all experienced the love of Christ through my grandpa. Though we have lost the tangible representation of Christ through grandpa, when we commit our lives to Christ, we can feel that same love every moment of every day. If grandpa were here, he would say, “Come, come and sit at the table and see what I have found. You will look no longer for what the world has to offer to satisfy.” You will find what Grandpa found, the abiding, always faithful never-ending love of Christ.
During a difficult time in my life when I was seeking to find purpose and meaning, I called my grandpa up and asked him, “Grandpa, how do you find purpose in each day?” He told me, “Before I wake up every morning, I ask the Lord to please use me as he sees fit today. After that, I would get out of bed and do what the Lord told me to do.” My grandpa was not a man of flowery words or one for fancy music- you wouldn’t want to ask him to sing for you in a choir or anywhere for that matter, but he was a practical man that glorified God with the gifts God had given him: creating, solving problems, and teaching those around him.
If you are struggling to find purpose and meaning in your life, do what my grandfather did. When you wake up every morning ask the Lord what he would like you to do today. God will lead you in times of quiet and waiting, but also ones of excitement and productivity.
My last words to him in person were, I will not say goodbye, for that is final, but I will say I will see you soon. So, I will see you soon Grandpa. Thank you so much for showing me what Christ’s love looks like during the time we had together.
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